Watch Me Transform This Mediocre Email Into A 384-word Revenue Generator In Less Than 7 Minutes

Hey there and Welcome!!

This time, I am writing to you from uhh…my sofa.

Yes, unfortunately, today’s a bit of a lazy day for me. Mainly because there’s a snowstorm going on right now, so it wouldn’t be the safest thing to go outside.

(Except your work is mandatory that is)

Laying there and left with nothing else to do, I decide to scroll through my inbox to read any emails I might’ve missed over the week.

If you’re thinking, “That’s what you do when you’re bored?”

Well…yes…Now can you not interrupt my story?… Thank you

So I’m skimming through and I can’t seem to find anything of importance except for this particular email.

(I won’t disclose the sender nor the company the product is from nor the product itself. I don’t approve of this product so I wouldn’t want people hearing it from me and end up buying.)

I squint my eyes in confusion to properly read the subject line.

It read “One Breakfast Mistake Packs On Flab”

“Huh this is weird, I don’t remember signing up for any food websites or health products.” I think to myself.

I click to find out what it was about.

That’s where it happens.

My eyes twitch as I read.

Every part of my brain starts raising its battle shield against this very BLATANT AD in my inbox.

As short as it was, I was tempted to press “delete” before I got to where the link was placed.

Believe me, I’ve seen my fair share of horrific copy. I’ve even written some myself but this one…

This one…

…Was Subpar. Why would this company think, “Oh this is a good email. Let’s send this out. It’d surely get sales.”

Anyways, I’m about to show you this email.

Put on your glasses if you wear any. Find the nearest chair and sit if you’re standing and most importantly…

Brace yourself!!! Now here it is.

“It’s breakfast time.

You walk into the kitchen…

You open the fridge…

And you grab this “healthy” food.

But little do you know new 2022 clinical research has proven this popular “health food” actually increases abdominal fat by 600%!

Yet doctors are telling Americans every day to eat more of it…

Scarier still, you’re probably eating it more than 3 times a day…

We reveal all on video below:

<link>

Wishing you health and happiness,

PS. During this video, you’ll also discover a breakthrough <link> that can dissolve excess belly fat caused by this dangerous “health food”… get this information now before it’s too late.”

And I’m back.

I struggled to recover from what I just read. It’s not like this is coming from a beginner copywriter.

This is a whole company dishing out this email.

Now I’m not saying emails without stories don’t work. They definitely do depending on the niche but this is no way to go about it.

I hate reading ads in my inbox and that email up there is a prime example of an email ad.

This is a sample of the type of email you DO NOT want to be sending to your list.

People would get sick of this and unsubscribe.

This email is not only vague by using the word “healthy food” (what does that even mean??)…

But it also doesn’t connect with readers i.e your email list. Instead, it’s just an obvious ad and people would see right through this.

Maybe that email might have worked in the Stone age, but now in order to sell, you NEED to build TRUST.

The purpose of a sales email is to SELL obviously. But first, you have to either entertain or give value before you transition into the pitch.

With an email like the above, and a poor offer (or lack of it like above), it’d be hard for people to even consider your product.

Here’s a much better version of the email for the same product.

Keep in mind I had access to all the information required for market research.

Okay enough fuss, here it is…

Subject Line- The Hidden Secret To Effective Weight Loss

There I am, staring at myself in the mirror.

It’s 6 am in the morning. The sun is yet to rise and most importantly, the children are still asleep.

I’m about to go out for what is beginning to seem like a pointless activity.

Another 5k run!

It wasn’t always like this. In my early 20s, I used to love going on these runs.

The feel of the breeze rushing through my face as I gallop across town.

The ecstasy when I check the scale after a week of these runs and gradually see my weight drop pound by pound.

Ha! The good ol days.

Of course, the runs were coupled with tracking my calorie intake and all.

But fast forward 30 more years and the same runs I used to go on have suddenly lost their magic.

Believe me, I go on even more runs than I used to when I was younger.

I even track my calories with better technology too.

Yet no movement on the scale.

So what seems to be the problem?

Turns out, I’ve been doing it all wrong.

I was too focused on the exercise and the long-distance runs that I lost sight of the one common factor that actually affects weight loss.

Inner Body Temperature!!

…I know right?

“What on earth is that?” my exact reaction when I found out.

Apparently, the temperature of your organs and cells is key to boosting metabolism.

Which ultimately leads to weight loss over time.

“Hmm, interesting,” I thought while quickly letting everyone at <company> know.

Soon after, we discovered the finding to be factual.

Turns out, there was research on this. Backed by <credible medical practitioners>

Months later and many more studies after, <company> creates…

<Product> (The name was funny, hence the next line)

A very creative name, I know😅

Anyways, It’s entirely plant-based and has no stimulants

With this groundbreaking <product>, I’ll be able to lose weight faster and more effectively like in my 20s.

The best part is this <product> works for you too.

I wouldn’t share this with you if it didn’t.

It’ll help you lose weight just as effectively as it’ll help me.

(even faster than those dreaded runs)

To join me on my weight loss journey, all you have to do is go here.

<link>

I can guarantee that this email would sell way more than the previous email.

It’s the same product. Same company.

Just different writers with differing copywriting expertise.

This email resonates with those trying to lose weight and doesn’t just guess that they “open the fridge and see healthy food.”

It actually targets the pains of those who think “running more” would help them lose weight.

I also wrote it like it was coming from someone from the company, which is good. Because you’re selling a product that not only has been tested (like I included in the email)…

But also has been used by someone from the company.

Of course, this is only effective if someone in the company has actually used the product.

So there you have it.

A Much Improved Sales Email That should get you a clear idea of how to craft your next email copy.

-Ubong Bassey

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Looking for an email copywriter who doesn’t guess the pains of the target audience but actually hits them? Contact me at [email protected]

If you’re interested in more copywriting tips, join my email list at ubongbassey.com

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